I believe I’ve discovered something as irksome as couples. Shopping with Désirée, my four-year-old daughter I’d never expected to have, and Lir, my eight-year-old. My adopted son is forever nudging me towards the single women and hinting about wanting a mother.

Désirée likes dragging me into the toy sections where she can fawn over Barbie dolls and princess costumes. If I have to watch Barbie and the Diamond Castle with her again I’m going to slit my wrists. Not literally. I’d rather just “accidentally” break the DVD. I hate Barbie movies almost as much as I hate spiders. Almost.

All the Barbie movies have the same nonexistent plot. She teaches her friend a lesson through a cheesy story. Or worse, a song. It’s as nauseating as a romance movie. Whoever designs these things for little girls is obviously a hardcore, man-hating feminist who wants all of us to suffer for the sake of our daughters’ happiness.

“Daddy,” Désirée tugged on the hem of my shirt and I glanced down at her. We were nearing the dreaded toy aisle and I already knew what she’d ask for. Another Barbie or something of the sort. “Can I please go look at the dolls?”

“Sure.” I pushed the cart down the aisle. There were a few mothers in the aisle with their little girls along with some fathers with kill-me-now expressions as their daughters rushed towards them with Barbie doll boxes in their arms.

Much to my relief, Lir stayed with me instead of leaving to look at the Legos. Désirée immediately made a beeline towards the Barbies. A few minutes later she returned with a Rapunzel Barbie doll. “Look at how pretty her hair is!” she said happily. I’d read her the child appropriate version of Rapunzel a few nights ago. “Daddy, can I please, please have her?”

I frowned a little. I adored Désirée and had more than enough money to spend, but didn’t want to teach her that I would buy her something whenever she asked. “Désirée, you already have plenty of Barbies. You should use the ones you already have.”

Désirée visibly wilted and she cast the box in her arms a sad look. I hated seeing her like this but it was something she had to learn. Her toy box was already overflowing and I could barely walk in her room without tripping over a doll or stuffed animal.

She didn’t throw a tantrum –another other children- and put the doll away before returning to my side with a sad little sigh. Lir gave his sister’s shoulder a sympathetic pat and I knelt in front of her. “How about instead of a toy, you, Lir and I make cookies when we get home?” Silver’s wife had taught me how to make cookies for the kids. I was by no means an expert, but Lir and Désirée seemed to like what I made.

Her green eyes lit up and she threw her arms around my waist. “Thank you, Daddy!”

“You’re welcome.” I tousled her hair and glanced over at Lir. “Would you like to get something? The last few times we’ve gone shopping I’ve only gotten Désirée a toy. That isn’t fair to you. I know you were eyeing a new Lego set, so would you like one?”

Lir looked thoughtful. “Could we look at movies first? I want to see if they have Treasure Planet.” He’d been obsessed with all forms of Treasure Island lately. Except for the book. It put him, and me, to sleep whenever I tried reading it to him. Classics tended to be mind-numbingly dull and that one was no exception.

“Sure.” I took Désirée’s small hand and led my family into the DVD’s. As soon as we were in the section Lir immediately pointed out a redhead who seemed to be my age. We watched as she took a DVD off a shelf, studying it closely before tucking it into the basket over her arm. If I’d been interested I might have gone over to her since she was pretty and blue-eyed, but I wasn’t.

“That lady looks lonely,” Lir whispered. “You should go talk to her.” Dating advice from an eight-year-old. How charming.

“I’m sure she’s fine.” He scowled but didn’t press me further. Instead he walked down the aisle until he reached the T section. Désirée stuck by my side and I could see her eyeing every Barbie, Disney, and faerie movie we passed. She didn’t pick any up though, much to my relief. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to turn her down a second time.

“I found it!” Lir said, rushing back over to me with the DVD.

“Good job.” He put the movie into the cart and I pulled my list out of my pocket, checking to see that I had everything I’d come here for. I’d finally gotten tired of going home and realizing that there was an item I’d missed, so I’d decided to take a leaf out of Silver’s book and become organized.

“I think we have everything.”

“No we don’t,” Lir corrected.

I checked the list again. Bread, eggs, milk, batteries –the reason we’d come to the electronics and toy aisles in the first place- steak, various fruits and vegetables that Silver insisted I get for the kids… “No we’re not, we have everything on the list.”

Désirée giggled and hugged my arm. “Daddy forgot already,” she mock-scolded.

“And what did I forget?”

“You told us you’d make chocolate chip cookies but we don’t have enough ingredients,” Lir explained.

I hate being corrected by children. It’s a rather depressing moment in your life when a four-year-old and an eight-year-old can remember more things than you do. “Alright, alright. I need flour, brown sugar, and chocolate chips. After that, are we done?”

Lir and Désirée nodded and I pushed the cart back towards the grocery section. Aisle 7 was where the baking supplies were and the kids helped me with the ingredients. I helped Désirée put a bag of flour inside and Lir came back with the brown sugar and chocolate chips. Just as he’d put the bag in, the same redhead from the DVDs entered the baking aisle. Désirée tugged my shirt and I glanced at her to see what was amiss.

“Lir’s right about that lady,” she said.

I rolled my eyes and glanced at the woman in question, who was taking a brownie mix off the shelf. She didn’t look lonely at all. She smiled a little as she noticed the kids watching her and came over to us.

“Is she your daughter?” she asked, indicating Désirée.

“Yes,” I replied. No, I kidnapped a random little girl that looks like me and am holding her hostage. Somehow I managed to keep the sarcasm from my tone.

“She’s cute.”

“Thank you.”

“Are you lonely?” Désirée suddenly asked, tilting her head to look at the woman. I immediately stiffened. She’d never done something like this before. Lir, the little sneak, must have been plotting to include her in on his “DarkArrow needs to get a wife” plan. I glared at my son, who cast me an innocent smile in return. It didn’t work though due to the mischief in his mismatched eyes.

“Lonely?” the redhead looked startled. “Oh, no of course not, dear. I was just buying some groceries.”

“Daddy is too,” Désirée replied. “You should hang out.”

“Désirée!” I hissed. Surely she was not trying to set me up with a random woman in the grocery store.

The redhead blushed a little. “I’m sure your mother would like that.”

“We don’t have one,” Lir said, coming over to us. He opened his mouth to speak but I seized his collar and pulled him back.

“Lir, Désirée, that’s enough. You should let this nice lady get back to her shopping,” I said through gritted teeth.

“What if-” Lir tried to say, but I cut him off before he could finish his sentence.

“We’d best get home if you want to have time to make cookies.” Désirée nodded, easily distracted from harassing the redhead. That was the good thing about young children. They didn’t latch onto an obnoxious topic like glue.

The woman laughed softly and turned to go. “Yes, I should let you get back to your shopping as well.” Only after she’d turned the corner did I let go of my kids.

“Lir, I’d appreciate it if you and Désirée wouldn’t gang up on me like that,” I grumbled, starting to walk down the aisle.

“I’ll stop once I have a mother,” he replied, grinning up at me.

I scowled. “Don’t hold your breath, kid.” Dating was about as appealing as buying several tarantulas of the large and hairy variety. Besides, Lir and Désirée were too young to understand how unpleasant the whole process could be. I didn’t have the heart to tell them though. I’d spoil their dreams for a mother when they were older.